Monday, March 14, 2011

The time to fly

The tiny wings quivering, and the skies waved
like an unshaded temptation escaped
Above the clouds and beyond the mighty horizons
higher the sun kissing with all feared collisions
On the wings, plays the commitment deep
hides in your shadows and you can't seek
I ll flee higher and higher holding you all
nourish the vibrant fantasies, allure the soul
For it is the time, the time to fly..
The way the infinite caress my obsession
and the carnal desires breathe to realization
The universe gently descends into my fists
I vandalize the stars and the moons into bits
Look into my eyes and you ll see me flying
justifying the hard tears cried drying
How beautifully the efforts laugh and dance
just like the freedom lines my semblance
For it is the time, the time to fly..
My seized limits vast without limits
taste the restless unconditional run of glints
The dreams flow unthreatened in the airing
I race faster than all the voyages sailing
Relish the days and gush the nights
out of spaces, my world's into lights
Its the skies where my worlds unbound
and I ll rise undefied till my purpose is found
For it is the time, the time to fly.. 


Pradeep Bhatt said...

okk..few notes, general observations
1.use punctuations...even though your meter is constant, and the flow of idea is constrained on line by line bases where a single statement doesn't continue over a line, sometimes poets tend do that spread a statement over one and a half or two lines to compromise on either rhyme or meter or both. Its a good habit to have cuz slowly you'll move on to write complex pieces where absence of this will cause confusion.
2. Use imagery, esp with this idea you could have used refined and detailed form of imagery. for example "Above the clouds and beyond the mighty horizons" seemed too general. This is something you read all the time but imagine the feeling when you actually are there above the clouds...make the reader feel, not just write it. I, as a reader would want to feel that rush, that excitement, that feeling of being alive when i realize or see "beyond the mighty horizons".
I am very sure that while writing you can picture it but you also have to pen the same for the readers.
3. "The universe gently descends into my fists
I vandalize the stars and the moons into bits"
loved these two lines...the subtlety of action multiplied by greatness of metaphor...this is your signature, this is your style. work on it
4. Transition from one para to other: Your poem is a good case study for that. 1st and 2nd para are beautifully combined but in 2nd and 3rd the presentation causes the momentum built up from the second para to go down, not entirely though, only in the start. This poem is a constantly rising, that means that when you read it and reach third para you are sort of expecting a climax. The start slows that down though you pick it up in the latter part, which is good.
ps: sometimes the problem in transition comes not from the presentation part but that of idea. always ensure that your ideas firmly following the structure that you are using.
good work altogether, keep writing.

Pradeep Bhatt said...

and yeah before i forget, imagery is important part of free verse. it again depends upon your idea and all but if you are writing a long poem you can not survive on similes and metaphors alone. its is better ( and i always found it so much convenient) to write with a strong central imagery plot.
hope that helps.
c ya
Pradeep Bhatt

Monika said...

I ll surely pay attention to your points..Thanx a lot for providing a humble guidance.